Rob Coolen is the father of every kid in this town! Rob Coolen once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw! One time I was with Coolen in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Coolen goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Rob Coolen! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Robcoolen' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!' He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him! His poop is used as currency in Argentina. He sweats Gatorade He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health. He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony! I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury. He sheds his skin once a year. He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia. He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Coolen! I once saw him eat a whole live chicken. His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson. He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that. Rob Coolen was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball! Did I ever tell you about the time Coolen took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Coolen takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Coolen yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!' Rob Coolen had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese. He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road. He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child. They found $60 in change in his stomach. He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie. He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault. Coolen drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.' They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Coolen talk in his sleep. He date raped David Bowie. He once inhaled a seagull. The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress. It was the sight of Coolen's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane. He once had sex with a cigarette machine. He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident. He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel. He once ate the Bible while water skiing. He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards! You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe! He has dandruff the size of mice! He jogged with a fridge on his back! Rob Coolen was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it! His first name is Rob! ....... I'm drunk. He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi. He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen. He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million. Did I ever tell you about the time Coolen went hunting? Coolen decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle. We once had a bachelor party for Coolen. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it. Coolen once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart. He has a toenail on the end of his penis. Coolen once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms. Coolen's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong. Coolen ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool. Did I ever tell you about the time Coolen was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Coolen chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews. He breastfeeds John Madden. Coolen named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that. If you drop a phonograph needle on Coolen's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.' They use Coolen's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium. Coolen directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels. All the 'Yes' album covers are Coolen family photos. He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Coolen said it would've happened sometime. Coolen's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2' Coolen still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films. He thinks then iron man is gay. He framed Roger Rabbit. The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Coolen - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men. He gave a hand job to a manta ray. Rob Coolen is a son of a bitch!