CoupeDeVille moves to Calgary: The Bed Incident

Discussion in 'Reality Check' started by CoupeDeVille, Mar 2, 2009.

  1. CoupeDeVille

    illest mofo in a cardigan

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    In August I came back to Halifax from Edmonton, seemingly ending my Alberta saga. I had been accepted to the Screen Arts program at NSCC, and was on the waiting list. With high hopes, I moved home and hoped for the best. At the end of September, with nobody dropping out and the class still at full capacity, I found out I'd have to wait until the following September. Great. Now I need a job.

    I returned to the LC, where I had worked before I moved to Edmonton. I quickly found out I couldn't deal with that job anymore, and left soon afterwards. After tossing out a bunch of resumes, I was reminded how fucked up Halifax job recruiters are. In November I found an amazing sales rep position, which couldn't have fit me any better. After applying and interviewing, I heard nothing until the first week of February, where they informed me I was on the final list of applicants and they hoped to make their decision soon. Jesus Christ.

    "Fuck it, I'm moving to Calgary for the summer"

    Early Saturday morning I went to the airport for the all-too-familiar flight to Alberta. As I waited by my gate, I noticed an alarming amount of infants. The WestJet attendant confirmed this with the announcement:

    "Good morning everyone, we have an unusual amount of pre-boards today, so we're going to get started right away"

    75% of the waiting travellers walked to the gate, with their newborns and elderly in tow. So much for catching some sleep on the plane. Once boarding the plane, I found my seat and took a look around. I'm literally surrounded by babies. Babies to my right, babies in front of me and two babies directly behind me. It was like a Seinfeld episode. A ticking time bomb. During take off I felt my ears pop and waited for the ensuing armageddon. It didn't happen. I looked to my right to see an 11-month old with a huge ear to ear grin. What a tough ass baby.

    After some sort of baby miracle in which NONE of them cried, I landed in Calgary. Josh picked me up and we headed over to my new place of residence; Stan's crib. This place is dope. I now get to de-wrinkle my clothes with a steamer instead of an iron, and get to vacuum with an automatic robot instead of not at all.

    Stan showed my my new room and said "I bought my roommate's old bed and frame, I figured it would be a good idea". Sweet. I'm only here for 5 months, so buying a new bedroom set would make little sense. I'll just buy some new bedsheets and I'm in business. Stan mentions not to worry about the boxes that are in the room, because his old roommate is still moving out and will be back in a couple hours to get them.

    Shortly afterwards the old roommate returns with his girlfriend to pick up the boxes. He turns to Stan and says "Hey man, I'm just gonna grab those boxes, and take the mattress" Stan looks at me and then replies:

    "Oh, the mattress wasn't included in the bed price?"

    "Oh, no, I was just gonna take it to the dump and throw it out"

    "Well he doesn't have a mattress. You can just leave it if you're going to do that."

    The old roommate looks at me.

    "You don't have a mattress?"

    "No man, I just moved here from Halifax. I can take that off your hands"

    He looks a little nervous. He looks at his girlfriend.

    "Oh, I'm just gonna throw it out for hygienic reasons"

    OK dude, I get it, you two banged on the bed a few times. Big deal. Nobody cares. Don't be a tool.

    "Well if you want to drag it to the dump and throw it out, fair enough. But if not, I can save you some time"

    He doesn't know what to say. He looks at his girlfriend to figure out what to do. What the hell is this guy's problem? He and his girlfriend start talking quietly and I leave to go to the living room. After about a 5 minute conference they exit the room and say:

    "We can leave that mattress if you want"

    I think we've made it quite clear that we want you to leave the mattress. Thanks for getting on board. The two of them leave and I resume setting up my new room. Stan makes a revelation from the other room.

    "Hey man, maybe he pissed the bed or something"

    Wow. I somehow hadn't even considered that possibility. Now I'm faced with the tough decision to remove the bedsheet and see what lies beneath, or to leave the sheet on and go with the 'out of sight out of mind' approach. After a couple of minutes of careful thinking, we remove the sheet.

    Oh maaaaaaaaaaaan. Yup, that's pee alright. What looks to be no less than three separate pissy incidents. I look at Stan.

    "Maybe the other side is better"

    We flip the mattress over and the other side certainly was not better. There was more piss than mattress. At least 80% coverage. This guy was the Michael Phelps of pissing the bed.

    We wasted no time loading the bed on top of the Jeep and driving to the Calgary city dump. Exactly what the guy had planned to do with it to begin with.

    Except he would have paid the $10 dump fee instead of me.
     
  2. Twopoops

    Hidey Ho

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    :lol:

    You really do need to write a book.
     
  3. Codith

    New Member

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    Should call his old room mate and tell him "Thanks for the water bed"
     
  4. b-bob

    New Member

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    Maybe they enjoyed golden showers and never managed to figure out how to keep it clean...:shrug:
     
  5. CoupeDeVille

    illest mofo in a cardigan

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    Apparently Stan and this guy have a mutual friend, otherwise I would have sent him an email saying "Yeah, all you had to say was that you pissed the bed"
     
  6. STYLINator

    Missy

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    HAHAHAHA, Classic.
     
  7. ~*SuzieQ*~

    Well-Known Member

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    maybe they had a fetish with a golden shower? lol
     
  8. CoupeDeVille

    illest mofo in a cardigan

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    You know, I'm not going to rule out the golden shower possibility. :rofl:
     
  9. Ty

    Ty
    Freddy Beach Bad Boy

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    :roflbow:

    Fuck you know how to tell a story!
     
  10. CoupeDeVille

    illest mofo in a cardigan

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    Thanks dude. :bigup:
     
  11. 17

    17
    teenage dirtbag

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    Adam/Danny book would be epic
     
  12. Big Al

    Active Member

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  13. Stan

    fashionably late

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    It's possible. She's cute, I'd definitely piss on her. :lol:
     
  14. cohiba

    Well-Known Member

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    Maybe it was her pissing on him. :lol:
     
  15. dpwu32

    Trash elf

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    Oh.

    My.

    Fuck.

    :pfft:

    :bowdownro :bowdownro :bowdownro
     
  16. thunder

    my av is me

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    The girl probably 'squirted' on the bed, but was really just peeing.
     
  17. Shellie

    Team Suzuki

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    :werd:
     
  18. infatuous

    Well-Known Member

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    If he pissed the bed, and his girlfriend knew about it, perhaps even being in the bed while he was pissing, how the fuck did he manage to hang on to her? It was clearly a sexual thing.
     
  19. Canuck

    Active Member

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    OR it was her, maybe she was smokin hot and having her piss the bed once in a while was cool with him :happysad:

    Where does that fall on the crazy/hot scale?
     
  20. dannyboy

    Meathead

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    I'd be willing to collaborate :lol:

    Get a few more people together and make a "Best of" book of tales from the East Coast. I'd definitely submit my top 10 :thumbsup: haha
     
  21. Boots

    www.reality-check.ca

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  22. Stan

    fashionably late

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    You should come over and meet CoupeDeville and ruin the new mattress we picked up last night. :lol:
     
  23. billybob

    The Schooner, the better.

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    they don't call him poop DeVille for nothin.
     
  24. Hiltzy

    .

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    this thread makes me wonder where the name "twopoops" comes from....
     
  25. Stan

    fashionably late

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    What's even funnier is when myself and Cooper were standing at a Blackjack table in the Halifax Casino and someone says from the middle of the table, "hey guys, I'm twopoops!" :lol:
     
  26. thagurlnextdoor

    New Member

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    :rofl:

    exactly what i was thinking...
     
  27. dpwu32

    Trash elf

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    My theory:

    Each of those stains signifies a month that dude couldn't quite come up with rent money, and as a result, Stan was allowed to piss on his GF in his bed to settle to debt.
     
  28. shaun

    Freedom 27

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    Self publish a few copies as proofs, then approach a publisher.
     
  29. CoupeDeVille

    illest mofo in a cardigan

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    OK, here's the thing with the golden shower theory. Apparently this guy spent the majority of his nights at the GF's place. Stan says this guy slept at the crib a maximum of like, 6 or 7 nights total. So, I find it a little hard to believe that in those 6 or 7 nights, he really went for the gusto. He would have had to of been drinking water non-stop all day in preparation.
     
  30. User1628

    Well-Known Member

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    do steamers really work better than an iron? I can't iron for shit
     
  31. Jentay

    Active Member

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  32. User1628

    Well-Known Member

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    found my next item to eBay
     
  33. *Jani*

    Blinky

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    I tollllddd you! :lol:
     
  34. User1628

    Well-Known Member

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    told me what???
     
  35. CoupeDeVille

    illest mofo in a cardigan

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